Dear friends,
Once again, we are looking at the New Testament’s treatment of Genesis 1-3; this time, on the subject of marriage. We had several episodes on this topic, but it is so central to the New Testament understanding that we thought it worth spending an episode thinking on it.
Yours,
Phillip
Phillip Jensen: In today’s episode of Two Ways News, we're going to talk about marriage. We've talked about marriage several times as we’ve been through Genesis, including one episode of our Genesis series on marriage where we talked about the sad state of marriage today in Western Civilisation, particularly in Australia. Let’s look more at the New Testament's view of marriage. There is a wonderful passage in Revelation 19:5, where all of heaven and the multitudes of heaven are singing glory and praise, then the 24 elders and the living creatures fall down saying, “Praise our God, all you servants, you who fear him, small and great.” Then in Revelation 19:6-10 we read
Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”—
for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.
And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” Then I fell down at his feet to worship him, but he said to me, “You must not do that! I am a fellow servant with you and your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God.” For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.
This is an extraordinary image of heaven, of the end time, of the great climax to find that it's the marriage of the Lamb. Peter, what's your understanding of marriage in light of the New Testament?
Peter: I go back to the Anglican Book of Common Prayer, 1662, by which I was married and you were, too. It reflects scripture, as it requires a public declaration of promises. It's not that the minister marries you; it is that you marry one another. You marry one another in public so that everybody knows that you're not on the market any longer, so to speak, but you exchange your promises. So it seems to me that marriage is based on promises. You never make more important promises in your life, except to God: to care for one another, to love each other. In the Book of Common Prayer, the man in particular is called to love the wife “as long as you both shall live.” The man is called upon to worship his wife, which is very interesting. It's an old use of the word ‘worship’, but it is interesting how much responsibility is given to the husband in the marriage service of the Book of Common Prayer.
Phillip: That doesn't surprise me in the sense that a lot of the wedding services, until Hollywood, reflect the Book of Common Prayer. They're using the same language: “for richer or for poorer” and “in sickness and in health”. In a sense, it's society's standardised way of understanding the promises. It is interesting how the Book of Common Prayer puts enormous responsibility on the man, because the woman doesn't give the same promises.
Peter: I am presuming that one of the benefits of this view of marriage, worked out in the Book of Common Prayer but based scripturally, is that it provides the proper place for raising children. Marriage has several reasons, not all of which have to do with children, but an important element of marriage is thought to be children. When a man and a woman make such promises to each other, that is the way of creating a stable setting for children to be raised and for both husband and wife to do their part in the raising of those children. This is regarded as one of the most important tasks we have in this world.
Phillip: I agree. The Book of Common Prayer is better than many modern services because that was the first reason for marriage in the Book of Common Prayer. It's no longer the first reason in later editions and other more recently released books. Companionship now becomes the first reason. Furthermore, the third reason, to avoid sin, is dropped altogether. But the 1662 Book of Common Prayer better reflects what the Bible teaches about marriage.
Peter: That leads us to the Bible. Why don't you talk about one of the key passages, namely 1 Corinthians 7?
Phillip: It's a great chapter, especially in its opening. There's a long section about singleness, which people rightly pay attention to, yet the opening of the chapter is about those people who say that sexual relationships are not appropriate for Christian people. Paul says the exact reverse. Within marriage, sexual relations are part and parcel of what marriage is about. He goes on to say that each spouse is there for the sexual benefit of the other. Our society, in its rude rejection of Christianity, sees Paul as a monstrous man, for he says, in 1 Corinthians 7:4, that “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.” But then Paul says, “Likewise, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” That’s the mutuality of sexuality.
‘Well, hang on,’ you might say. ‘This is Paul; he hates pleasure; he hates sex.’ On the contrary, “do not deprive one another”, he says, “except perhaps by agreement.” Consent is not something that's been discovered in the 21st century. It's back here in the 1st century – by agreement, and then only for a limited time. That's not an agreement that you can go on for the rest of your life. If you're married, you're supposed to have sex with each other, and in so doing, care for and provide for each other. He then goes on to answer the question, ‘What do you do with people who have been converted and who are already in a sexual relationship?’ He says it's better to marry. ‘Don't go on having sexual relationships outside that context, but rather marry,’ is what the advice is in verses 8-10
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband
‘Marriage is for life,’ he then says. The whole passage is a beautiful expression of the value of marriage and a level of sexual integration that lies at the heart of what the Bible is teaching. There's no walking away from sex, its pleasures, and its drives in the scriptures. The Apostle Paul himself is a great promoter and encourager of it.
Peter: Indeed, I think the evidence is now becoming clearer and clearer that this is better for you and leads to better sex. Not having sexual experience before marriage is better for you, and being married to the one person in the way in which you've described it is more fulfilling.
Phillip: It's part of God's good gifts in 1 Timothy 4 and should be honoured by all. ‘The marriage bed is to be honoured by all,’ it says in Hebrews 13. But what about the words of Jesus? Has he got anything to say about marriage?
Peter: He refers famously to adultery in Matthew 5. His great thesis is that we cannot treat these commandments as though they are merely outward commandments, that we can obey them by merely making sure we don't do something. He goes to the heart and says, ‘No, the heart needs to be right.’ Particularly with adultery, he warns, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Because even though that doesn't lead to anything, it is still sinful. Not bad advice, because adultery comes from that desire within, which is an evil desire. So we need to deal with the problem immediately by refusing to allow for this in our own lives. Because our everyday experience can confirm this. Adultery is so damaging.
When you stand in public and make certain promises, and the other person steps forth, trusting in those promises, that enables them to have the security which they need in their lives, in the midst of a tumultuous world. If one of you breaks your promises, this isn’t just a minor breach that can be forgiven. It is a major breach, a way in which you've just derided the promises. I'm not saying that's unforgivable, but it is a sin which requires repentance and remorse, which leads to a willingness to say, ‘I have no right to be accepted back.’ The person, in their kindness, might accept you back. They need to forgive you, of course, but reconciliation is another thing. Jesus also speaks about divorce. This was a matter of controversy in his day, so he's asked questions about which side of the argument he would take. This is recorded in Matthew 19. There, he agrees that Moses has admitted the possibility of divorce and presumably remarriage, but he points out that that is not the original intention in Matthew 19:4-8
He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
His move there is back to the origins of the whole thing. It's an appeal to the heart, and that's very significant.
Phillip: It is significant in the appeal to the heart because the essence of marriage is faithfulness, as you've pointed out. It's got to do with promises and faithfulness. That's a heart activity. You are a trustworthy person who is given trust, and the other person trusts your trustworthiness. It's the nature of the relationship.
Peter: Yes, it needs to be trusted that you will do the right thing even when nobody is looking.
Phillip: You said earlier that the minister doesn't unite you. That's quite right. The minister doesn't, in that sense, marry you. It's God who does. That's why he declares in the Book of Common Prayer, ‘What God has joined together’, which refers to Malachi 2, which speaks about God uniting us. But it also goes to that idea of Genesis 2, “the two shall become one flesh.” That's why adultery and divorce are so devastating, especially to children. People say, ‘The children are doing all right. They're still succeeding at school', and things like that. But profoundly and deeply, a child is the expression of the unity and love of a husband and wife. When the husband and wife no longer love each other and are no longer united, it's not surprising to find the child has identity problems.’ Who am I now? If the people whose love created me now hate each other, will their hatred separate me?’ It's a very deep and difficult problem for the children who suffer from their parents' activity and failure.
Peter: We are very conscious that much of our audience has personal experience here, and we're conscious of that, because if you look back into the history of our own family, you would find things like this. Every family has their stories.
Phillip: We are speaking of the generalities. In particular circumstances and occasions, it is interesting how people have overcome these generalities, that they are not suffering as you would expect. The generality is still true, even if there is an exception. It doesn't disprove the rule; as they say, it's the mercy of God that this child is doing so well.
Peter: Yes, that's an important distinction we need to make, and I'm glad you've made it. There's a great deal more that we could say in this area. But let me move on to another question that people often raise: what about singleness? According to some single people, they sometimes find that they are regarded, not least in church, where marriage is spoken of all the time in such positive terms, as failures. They are regarded as not being all that important, and they seem to be socially neglected by those who have children. Is singleness endorsed in Scripture? Should everyone be married?
Phillip: It's another pastoral issue that you raise, and another element of that is widowhood. Several widows have spoken to me about arriving at the parking lot of the church when they're first widows but then going home because they don't know how to walk into church alone. It's not that the church is necessarily rejecting them; it's just that the whole of our church life is so much about marriage and about families that it unwittingly can be off-putting to those widows or people who have never married.
You've talked about Matthew 19, and in verse 12 Jesus speaks about eunuchs, because after what he's said about divorce and remarriage, the disciples say, ‘Who should be married?’ He uses the illustration of eunuchs in three terms, saying
For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.
The three illustrations express the normality of marriage, for these three reasons are used as the exceptions. However, there are occasions when people do not have a choice about marriage. Many don't get that opportunity for various reasons. There will be people who choose to be single for the sake of the gospel, and we have been beneficiaries of several single men and women whose ministry was extraordinary because of their lack of marital responsibilities. There, our dear friend John Chapman benefited us both extraordinarily and travelled incessantly all his life; the wonderful John Stott, who lived in singleness all his 90-odd years, who travelled the world in his ministry of the gospel and was in many ways the leader of evangelicalism worldwide; or our dear friend Dick Lucas, who's just had his hundredth birthday, whose singleness enabled him to do ministries that it would have been very difficult to do as a married man.
So the second half of 1 Corinthians 7 speaks of the choice of singleness, which the Apostle Paul himself had. It's not saying that it is a better state of life, just that it's better for some things. In terms of the kind of ministry that Paul had – imprisoned, shipwrecked, and beaten many times – his wife would have had great difficulties, and the children would have been hard to raise. So there are certain lives and ministries for which you will choose to be single, and 1 Corinthians 7 saves you from marriolatry,1 the belief that you must be married to be a full human. That is not what the Bible teaches, nor the idea that if you do get married, all your problems will be solved. That is to place such a weight on the possibility of marriage, let alone upon your spouse, as to almost be a recipe for failure. So, there is a role for the single person in the scriptures that doesn't diminish their humanity in the slightest, nor their service of the Lord. In some ways, it enhances their ministry and service of the Lord.
Peter: We ought to make sure that we do honour our single brothers and sisters in church, for precisely the reason you've said, among other things, that so many have such a wonderful ministry, and not least to widows.
Phillip: Yes, especially widows. The whole of 1 Timothy 5 is about our honouring of widows. But there are also several chapters about households and families.
Peter: Particularly 1 Peter 3, Colossians 3, and Ephesians 5. Time does not permit us to talk about these things as such, but if you look at Ephesians 5, it indicates that all are one in Christ Jesus, but that doesn't remove us from certain responsibilities. The Book of Common Prayer makes that clear as well, where certain responsibilities are put upon men, but not upon women. Ephesians 5:22 reminds us, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Then it gives the reason
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
In other words, there are, within the marriage bond, different responsibilities. The man, who is not the child bearer, has responsibilities to provide for the home. The wife has her responsibilities, which are best done within that context, as she observes what the authority of the husband is; it is, in the end, for her benefit. Because as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, so too, the husband is to do all things in that sacrificial way, out of love for his wife. Then Paul takes us back to Genesis and indicates that the great passage in Genesis 2, leaving and cleaving to your wife, is to do with Christ and the church.
Phillip:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Peter: That takes us to where we started.
Phillip: And it takes us to Revelation 19, for the great moment that comes at the end of all things, when the Lamb marries his bride, as Christ and the church, and blessed are all who are invited to that great wedding feast.
For further discussion on Marriolatry, see twoways.news/parents-and-children
Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Links & Recommendations
For more on this topic, check out this 1999 Campus Bible Study talk entitled “Are you invited to the Wedding?”
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